Also a huge thank you to Simon Smith and James Dong for their contributions to this post, both of which have made this far more interesting and rounded.
Booking accommodation in the Falklands is straight-forward - there's practically only one website listing on the internet that has a comprehensive-(ish) list of options: the Falklands Tourist Board. Stanley is the capital and has most choices, but there are also lots of interesting places to visit outside the capital (the "camp"). The relatively short timeframe of my 2 stays in Stanley meant it made more sense for me to use the capital as a base and take day trips.
The Waterfront Hotel by Will Ng - overall 6.5/10
I had pre-booked the Paddock B&B for my pre-Antarctic stay (through booking.com) but to a very pleasant surprise 2 days before arrival, I received an email from the general manager who had kindly upgraded me to a double room at the Waterfront Hotel (and kept the room rate the same as the original B&B, which was a saving of around £30 per night). Score, what a great start to the trip!
I actually stayed at the Waterfront twice, pre and post Antarctica. The hotel has 2 floors. The ground floor has a cafe and dining area, a conservatory, a lounge with sofas and armchairs, and a bathroom. The bathroom has the only bath tub in the hotel, but I was told I shouldn't use it during the day in case other people wanted to use the toilet.
All the rooms were on the first floor. On my first visit I was in a double en-suite, which had a small shower pod and a small toilet cubicle. On my second stay I was in a standard single (£20/night cheaper), which also had a sink and toilet cubicle, but used a shared shower. The rooms were basic but comfortable, although I did notice a lack of tea or coffee making facilities. The TV only had 3 channels: the BFBS which is the British Forces channel, Warner Brothers and a kids channel. I wasn't sure whether these were the only available channels in the Falklands, or just what the hotel offered.
Whilst the staff was very helpful and friendly, both my stays could have been a lot more comfortable, to the extent that it felt like I slept better in a smaller bed whilst being rocked and thrown about at sea. The double room I had pre-departure seriously needed their windows repaired and sealed. There were gaps around the edges and the wind just whistled as it blew through the gaps all night. My second stay was even worse. There is only one telephone in the hotel which is conveniently placed in the hallway on the ground floor. The staff's last shift usually ended around 11pm, so when the phone kept ringing at 4am, practically everyone in the hotel was woken up by the ringing. This happened for 2 nights in a row, and I wasn't impressed (even though I was told it was a one-off as there were lots of journalists there to report on the Falklands referendum).
The hotel has a nice cafe which seats around 30 people. Breakfast is quite straight-forward, with a choice of cereals and muesli, and a full English breakfast to order, although it was limited to one rasher of bacon, one sausage, one egg, some beans and toast. You were allowed more if you asked for it though. I was surprised and even more impressed when they left me with a packed breakfast on the morning I flew out when I had to leave the hotel by 6am. It included a sandwich, an apple, a really nice chocolate brownie and 2 drinks.
For lunch there's usually 2-3 choices each of hot and cold dishes and would cost anything between £6 to £12. It was quite a casual affair as you would find in a small English cafe. The sandwiches were all homemade, evident from the fact that they were all wrapped in cling film. For me the presentation was slightly unappetizing. If you were going on a day trip, you could also pre-order a packed lunch for £12.50. It was a very steep price tag so I never found out what amazing food I'd missed out on. On the plus side the staff was very happy to store the food I'd bought from the supermarket in their fridge.
Pre-booking is required for dinner, which I never did given I wasn't sure who I would be eating with at what time.
I was particularly impressed by their cakes though. Almost every day they would have freshly baked cakes which looked and tasted fantastic. I didn't rave about their breakfast or lunches, but I did look forward to having tea and cake in the afternoon every day I was in Stanley.
All in all, my stays at the Waterfront were OK. Whilst the website definitely looks a lot better than the real thing, and the rooms could really benefit from some maintenance, the staff was all friendly and helpful. The hotel does also have nice decor and good atmosphere, especially the quaint lounge and the bright conservatory overseeing Stanley bay.
The Malvina House Hotel by Simon Smith - overall 8/10
From the outside you could be forgiven for mistaking the Malvina House Hotel for a large private dwelling, but looks are deceiving. Inside is a spacious, modern and well presented establishment. The prices were reasonable, with prices ranging from £108 for a standard room (single occupancy) to £170 for an executive room (double occupancy). I went with the former, although I was tempted by the executive rooms, which I believe are located in the new extension to the hotel.
I stayed at the hotel twice, each time in a different room along the same corridor. The first was a twin room, with one bed serving as somewhere to lay out my luggage. The second was a double, which was more like a king in regards to bed size. Both rooms were nice enough - clean, light and roomy. They were also quiet, with no noise problems at all that I can recall. There was no air conditioning, but there was a large window that opened as far as anyone would want and a full length radiator below. The climate of the Falklands is regulated quite strongly by the surrounding ocean, and with little precipitation at all (except the freak weather we brought with us on our return from Antarctica) the air temperature stays within a chilly-mild range - air conditioning is therefore of little use 99% of the time.
The choice of television was very limited, with a couple of British Forces channels, a couple more Spanish-speaking channels and the local Falklands channel. Don't rely on television for entertainment. There is a full phone system installed, with external calls being added to the bill.
Internet access at the Malvina House Hotel was supposedly the best in the islands. For my first stay, the hotel had the Cable & Wireless wifi system which is used throughout the islands. At £5 for 50 mins, £10 for 100 mins it was certainly not cheap compared the options normally available in UK hotels. However, to my pleasant surprise this had changed in the month that we were at sea, and on our return I was able to purchase in longer blocks for a much more reasonable price. Only residents were able to purchase the longer times, however visitors could purchase shorter time periods. This wifi system was only available within the Malvina. Everywhere else still used the C&W system at the time of our second visit. Access speeds seemed quite reasonable given the method of connection to the rest of the world - a massive satellite dish at the C&W building that was visible at a distance from both my rooms.
The hotel serves as the only 'real' restaurant in the entirety of the Falkland Islands, although there are a few small fast-food type eateries around, as well as some pubs where it seems hit-or-miss as to whether they are serving food. The nourishment on offer at the Malvina was delicious, and very well presented. Cooked breakfast had presentation placed before portion size, but it was still a welcome meal. Prices aren't unreasonable, especially given the scarcity of vegetables on the islands, with a lot of produce having to be imported from Chile. Advance booking of a table is highly recommended, particularly for dinner.
There was a small selection of draughts on offer at the bar, but most drinks were served from bottles. If you like cider, you might be disappointed wherever you go on the islands, including the Malvina - only small bottles of Woodpecker were available when we were there.
The reception and housekeeping staff that I met was friendly and helpful. Some of the staff were a little less enthusiastic, but remained professional.
There was also a lack of a lift in my part of the hotel - a bit of a pain if you have heavy luggage or mobility issues.
Overall my experience at the Malvina House Hotel was very pleasant, and I'd love to stay there again if the opportunity should ever arise.
The Malvina House Restaurant by Will Ng - overall 4/10
My only experience of the Malvina was having dinner there twice. It has the most expensive restaurant in Stanley, although I'm not sure if it was the best. Sure, ingredients were fresh and dishes well-presented, but for the price tag I think the overall experience could be a lot better.
For a start the restaurant staff all looked grumpy and robotic. It was as if the "I never want to smile" switch was permanently turned on. It wasn't just the waiters or bar staff; the restaurant manager was equally expressionless and blank, even when I tried to converse or to ask for his opinion on a dish. It really annoyed me actually; I would have expected far better service in this allegedly the best establishment in Stanley. Call me a snob if you like but I did pay a premium for the dinner no?
The quality of the food was hit and miss (my taste buds possibly partly tainted by the service). The fried squid and the black toothfish were both excellent, but the other fish dish I had on the second visit was disappointing and had a bitterness. The chocolate taster dessert was good though.
I would have loved to score Malvina higher, but I had high expectations and the staff really failed to deliver. They should invest in more training and development, and perhaps a beginners' course on how to smile.
Various by James Dong
With only 3,000 or so individuals, the Falkland Islands is one expansive small town, albeit with a diversity of landscapes and wildlife to rival that of the most impressive eco-destinations. Staying in any of the resident owned B&Bs in Stanley or the outlying islands and this fact becomes very obvious. More importantly, when you step through the veranda, what you realize is that these aren't business owners so much as they are Falklanders. They have their own incredibly rich history building a life and a family in one of the world's most remote destinations. And where you're staying can't be considered lodging so much as it must be considered a portal into that history.
Our first stop was the Bennett House. Cheerfully painted in soft lilac and rich burgundy, the interior reminded me of a dollhouse. Celia, the proprietor, reminded me strangely of Professor McGonagall (yes from Harry Potter). They both had the demeanour of someone wise and stern that belies a genuine kind-heartedness. As I discovered from visiting the Waitrose store, Celia has her own shelves of baked goods stashed among the breads and cookies of who knows what other local chefs! During the day, the house warmed with spicy and sweet as her oven churned out trays of savoury buns and sugary pastries. The "smoko" was never so good once I left! (Well... maybe once.)
The next, was the self-catering lodge at the Neck on Saunders Island. To get there, we jostled our way in an old 4x4 down the uneven slopes while David cheerfully explained the local geography. He and his family had been on the island for generations. And, as I later discovered, not only were they successful farmers, but also dutiful naturalists as well. Suzanne Saunders contributes regularly to ornithological surveys and wildlife publications, David is an incredible photographer, and their daughter earnestly wants to carry on the family tradition. The self-catering lodge was just furnished enough--after all, in such a beautiful environment, a little shelter from the cold was all we needed. And I have to conclude by saying that, despite the slurry of animal dung that is now irreparably lodged into my boots, this might be my first choice for a future honeymoon destination!
All too soon we found ourselves on Carcass Island, where, seated at the dining table with a grand view of the few trees painstakingly nurtured from the dry soils of the Falklands and dotted with the ever-present striated caracara, and served an endless stream of delicate pastries and meats, I felt like an anachronism. Did I slip into dream of the antebellum South? Not that I would dare pose such a question to Rob and Lorraine, whose hospitality and company withered any such curiosity. Here we passed the night when the Falklanders uttered in great unison their desire to remain a British overseas territory. Over breaks in the news, Rob eagerly outlined the history. He'd lived through some crucial events and indeed the passion and fire were clearly far from gone.
The third island we visited was the most touristic--Sea Lion Island. Billing itself as the most southerly eco-lodge in the world, Sea Lion Lodge really did astound me. By far the best out-fitted place we stayed, the place deserves its reputation. And because of its small size and rustic location, it's still seems less hotel than large boarding house, with an air of familiarity and sociality that pushes all the residents into casual conversation late into the evening. Jenny and her staff are clearly proud of the sheer natural beauty that dominates the island, as it is now fully conservation space and free from animal husbandry. With the weather finally clearing on the two days here, this was the most beautiful Falklands experience.
Finally, we spent a quick day in Weddell Island. The lodge that Mike has established is refreshingly new and modern. With a greenhouse entryway, and a clean white interior accented with leather and wood, I could have pulled it from the pages of an upscale contemporary living magazine! At least we got to learn that Mike is also a fantastic cook (despite the official cook being on vacation during our stay). Another strong contender for a romantic getaway!
Upon return to Stanley, we spent one final night in what might be considered the only true "hotel" on the Falklands. The Malvina House Hotel, newly renovated just in 2012 to include an expansive restaurant, one recommended by pretty much every resident as the "it" place to dine, might be the centrepiece of the Falklands' hospitality industry. Yet personally, I would prefer otherwise. The B&Bs resonate with a Falklander-ishness that is difficult for any hotel to match. And this is the reason that I could see myself eagerly returning. I look forward then to catching up with David & Suzanne about the state of the new king penguin colony on Saunders Island. I look forward to talking with Rob about how the referendum has shifted both how the Falklanders perception of how the world perceives them has changed. I want to see Sea Lion in a proper sunset, and marvel at the wealth of biodiversity Jenny's conservation efforts have helped create. And I want to share more stories than we could this time around with Mike. Any visit is inextricably tied with these people and their stories. Beyond the natural beauty and untamed wildlife, they are what make a vacation to the Falklands a unique and magical experience.
Shorty's Motel by Will Ng - overall 7/10
This motel has a diner (Shorty's Diner) attached to it, which was a very good and decently priced greasy spoon where a lot of the locals hang out. Plenty of choices on the menu but most items are either deep fried or grilled. Service is excellent - all the staff were very polite, friendly and helpful (perhaps they could go and show the Malvina staff how to smile?)
I did notice the massive portions of desserts on display but I never had enough room to stomach one. I would also highly recommend the fresh fruit smoothies - they were tasty and probably the only healthy items on the menu there.
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